Russian Престарелая еврейская пара:
Абрам и Сара.
Сара - стареющая женщина, Абраша - мужчина
еще хоть куда, ходит к дамам. Саре дома
одиноко, она решила изменить ситуацию.
- Абраша, так же нельзя! Надо выполнять свои
супружеские обязанности хоть раз в неделю.
- Сара, сколько лет мы с тобой живем?
- 30.
- Ну так ты мне уже как родная. Разве родных е...ть
можно?
Встречаются два друга:
- Ты чего такой грустный?
- Да вот вчера поймал золотую рыбку, и она
выполнила моё самое заветное желание.
- И какое было твоё желание?
- Чтобы у меня было столько денег, как у
Билла Гейтса.
- Так радоваться надо!
- Я тоже сначала радовался, а сегодня Билли
разорился...
Cидит нарик, косяк забивает.
Вдруг за спиной слышит голос:
- Мужик, ты что делаешь? - Косяк забиваю, а
что?
- А я - пришелец. Наркоман в ответ:
- Как пришелец, так и ушелец.
Афоня
Go to top
American Q: What time is it when seven lions are chasing after
you?
A: Seven to one.
An Englishman, an American and a German were sitting in a bar,
drinking Beer(as they do), and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went
to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we
don't even have a fridge to keep it in."
The American agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.
"Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he
laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The German nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both
walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still
thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I tink of it,"
he chuckles. "My wife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. I watched her
packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she
doesn't even have a penis!
One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find
another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to
play 9 holes together.
After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat.
"What do you do?" the first man asked. "I'm a salesman. What
about you?" "I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man.
The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and
continued. "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the
best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high
powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He then asked
the man where he lived.
Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."
The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope
and asked "What color roof ya' got?" "Gray." Then he asked
"What color siding?" "Yellow." "You got a silver
Toyota?" "Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely
amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's
car." "That your red pickup next to it?"
Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope. Looking
through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. "What
the hell is he doing there if I'm..?" The hitman looked through the scope
once more. "Your wife a blond?" "Yeah." "Your buddy got
black hair?" "Yeah!" "Well, I don't know how to tell you,
but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers
in there." said the hitman. "Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I
want you to shoot both of them Right now!"
The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the
best. I get paid $5,000 per shot." "I don't care! Just do it! I want
you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the balls!"
The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into
the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy.This is
your lucky day. I think I can save you
$5,000!"
Go to top
This girl runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your
bags honey, I just won the lottery!" He says "Oh wonderful! Should I
pack for the beach or the mountains?" She replies, "I don't
care...Just get the fuck out!"
Little Tom was in the garden filling in a hole
when his neighbor peered over the fence.Interested in what the cheeky-faced
youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there,
Tom?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tom tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned.
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tom patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "that's because he's
inside your fucking cat.
Chinese A grocer once had a daughter born to him. One day a friend of
his made a match for his babygirl, and told him the future husband was only one
year older than she was.
The grocer discussed this marriage in private with his wife. "Our daughter
is just one, the boy's age is the double of hers; when she is twenty and gets
married, her husband will be forty," be said. "How do we have the
heart to marry off our daughter to such an old husband?"
His wife smiled and said, "You're really dumb. Our
daughter is now one year old, in one years time she'll be the same age as the
boy, now won't she?"
There once was an old man aged 50, who had a lazy son aged 30.
The son couldn't earn his own living, and still depended on his old father for
food and clothing.
The old man was very worried about him, so he took him to the fortune teller to
have his fortune told. The father and son both believed the fortune teller's
prediction that the father would live to 80 and the son to 62.
After having found out how long they were going to live the
son was very sad. His father comforted him.
"Don't be so sad! You are only 30 now, and still have 32
years of good days ahead of you." "I'm not worrying about my own age.
It's just your age which causes me great anxiety," the son said.
Upon hearing his words, the father was deeply moved, and in
tears said, "Don't worry about me so much I've got 30 years ahead of me
too."
"I'm not worried about your age either," said the
son, "I have figured out that you'll die two years earlier than I. So whom
will I depend on in the two years after your
death?"
Go to top
A ferry boat was once crossing a river. Suddenly the boat
struck a rock and water relentlessly poured into the cabin. The passengers were
frightened out of their wits. Only one man sat calmly as if nothing had happened
and even laughed at the way the others were so alarmed.
"Don't worry! It's not our problem," the man said. "It doesn't
matter if it's leaking because it's not our boat."
Japanese
A Texas business man while in Japan for some
business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier
than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a
beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening.
Although, the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman
spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she
began yelling `Gama Su!, Gama Su!'.Hearing this, the Texan knew he had
pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues,one
of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away!Everyone went
crazy andbegan yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his
friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling `Gama Su! Gama Su!'.
Suddenly everyone became quiet.
After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and
asked:`Wrong hole?What do you mean wrong hole?'
One day Steve and his wife, Sorrell, were out playing golf.
Everything was going fairly well for Steve until the 7th hole. He sliced his
tee shot a mile to the right so he and his wife had to go looking for the
ball. Eventually they came across a shed with the door slightly ajar, and
surprisingly enough the golf ball was slap bang in the centre of the floor.
And so, not wanting to drop a shot, Steve decided to play on instead of taking
a penalty by dropping the ball. Sorrell, noticing that if Steve played a good
shot he could get his ball on the green, offered to hold the door open while
her husband played the shot. After a lengthy period of sizing up his shot,
Steve hit the ball, but struck his wife in the temple with it. She slumped
down dead, instantly.
Another 5 years later, Steve found himself on the same golf course, on the
same hole, this time with his friend, Jim. So, coincidently, Steve's tee shot
took the exact same path as it did 5 years ago, and the ball found itself,
again, slap bang in the centre of the shed. As Steve thought seriously what to
do with his shot, Jim offered to hold the door of the shed open so he could
take his shot. But with a look of shock on his face, Steve replied instantly,
"Hell No! The last time I tried that it took me 7 shots to get on the
green."
An American, a German and a Japanese guy are
golfing one day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American
excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left baby finger to his
mouth and proceeds to have a telephone conversation. When he is done, he looks
at the other two and says "Oh, that's the latest American technology in
cell phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my baby finger and the
antenna is in my hat. Great stuff eh?"
They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again, they hear a phone ring.
The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with
someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has
the latest in German technology cell phones. "A chip in my tooth, a chip
in my ear and the antenna is inserted in my spine. Ah the wonders o f German
know-how!"
At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese fellow
disappears into some nearby bushes.
The German and the American look at each other and then walk over and peer
into the bushes. In the middle of the bushes is the Japanese fellow, squatting
with his pants down around his ankles.Wär Maria hart geblieben, wär
uns Weihnachten erspart geblieben. So, das war erstmal der Spruch der Woche.
Jetzt verrate ich Ihnen auch, wo Sie hier gelandet sind: XXXXXX in
West-Berlin. Seien Sie so nett und sprechen Sie mir was aufs Band, ganz egal
was. Sie haben 2 Minuten Zeit. Achtung!
"What on earth are you doing?!" asks the American.
The Japanese fellow looks up and replies "Waiting for a
fax".
Go to top
German Sitzt ein Kühlschrank auf dem Dach eines Hauses und
raucht, Kommt ein Polizist vorbei und frägt, "Ja sag mal darfst du
das überhaupt schon?" Sagt der Kühlschrank zum Polizist :"Wieso
ist das hier ne Einbahnstrasse ?"Hier nun die Auflösung:
Es ist Nachts wärmer als Stroh, daraus folgt <1>,dass man in den
Keller muss, um Heizöl zu hacken und <2> die Vewirrung... da sind
so grosse ... allgemein und besonders...<3>,dass die Elephanten nicht
Fahhrad fahren dürfen,, weil sie keinen Klingeldaumen haben!
Bugs Bunny und Donald Duck schwärmen von ihren
Erinnerungen. Bunny: "Schiebst Du Deinen Nachbarn auch immer Deine
Werbepost in den Briefschlitz?" Donald: "Ja, mein Bruder hat auch so
ein Ding!"
Ein Spatz läuft einen Gartenzaun entlang. Kommt eine
Katze entlang, "Flackert Dein Monitor auch immer derartig, wenn Du niest?"
der Spatz: "Nein, die Umdrehungszahl vervierfacht sich pro Tag!"
Wär Maria hart geblieben, wär uns
Weihnachten erspart geblieben. So, das war erstmal der Spruch der Woche. Jetzt
verrate ich Ihnen auch, wo Sie hier gelandet sind: XXXXXX in West-Berlin.
Seien Sie so nett und sprechen Sie mir was aufs Band, ganz egal was. Sie haben
2 Minuten Zeit. Achtung! Go to top Send me
your jokes!
The grocer discussed this marriage in private with his wife. "Our daughter
is just one, the boy's age is the double of hers; when she is twenty and gets
married, her husband will be forty," be said. "How do we have the
heart to marry off our daughter to such an old husband?"
The old man was very worried about him, so he took him to the fortune teller to
have his fortune told. The father and son both believed the fortune teller's
prediction that the father would live to 80 and the son to 62.
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